1, 2, 3, 4… I Declare A Snake War

In recent days, I’ve talked about NASCAR pilots, toothpaste, hockey, and steak frites. Now it’s time to get serious. Yes, it’s time to talk about… snakes. Yep, snakes.

Now, I’ve never liked snakes, never really trusted them. Sitting there, pretending to be slimy when they’re not, hiding in bags at Izzard concerts in ‘Frisco, and plotting. Yep, plotting. I was always told that my hatred of snakes was an irrational thing – “most of them are harmless”, “they’re more afraid of me”, yada yada yada. Well, it’s time to blow the lid on the terrorists of the reptilian world.

It is estimated that over 125,000 people are killed by snake bites every year. 125,000 people. So we’re looking at 1.25 million people every decade, murdered by these ‘harmless’, non-slimy little shits. That is like wiping out the entire population of Baltimore every 5 years. Is it me, or is this figure just insane?

At what point should we declare war on snakes? It doesn’t seem as though it would be a dangerous war; OK, so these little slimy bastards are killing 125,000 people a year, but most of these people aren’t armed with semi-automatic rifles, and are not on a shoot-to-kill mission. We’ll be out there looking for these slithery terrorists.

I’m guessing that there are a lot of snakes in the world, so we’d be horrendously out-numbered, and innocent grass snakes may be killed in the cross-fire, but isn’t it a worthwhile war? Would we not be saving hundreds of thousands of innocent humans? And let’s face it, does anyone really like snakes? Seriously.

I wonder if we’d need to get permission from the UN for this one? Meh, who cares – OK, let the snake massacre begin.

*** Update On Snake Wars is here ***


~ by eddie on October 23, 2007.

20 Responses to “1, 2, 3, 4… I Declare A Snake War”

  1. I like snakes. Always wanted one as a pet. They are almost as cool as sharks.

  2. And the reason you’re alive today? Because you weren’t allowed to have a terrorist in a tank. You’d be better off having a shark – there are only about 12 shark deaths each year. Might be problematic taking it to the park to play with The Murph though.

  3. Domestic snakes are very kind and snuggly. You are being a wimp. And I’ll bet most of these deaths are in rural India and Africa and such places. Everyone knows those places don’t count (mostly because Americans can’t find them on a map).

  4. Domestic snakes aren’t real snakes; they’re pretend snakes for people who are trying to be ‘different’ and ‘cool’. If you’re so cool, get yourself a black mamba and have a cuddle. But you’re right, the deaths are obviously in places that nobody seems to care about, hence why we know nothing about the carnage going on there.

    Domestic snakes. Silly Hottie.

  5. So, as you are a proxy US American, what are you whining about? You are more likely to drink poisoned coffee than to be bitten by a snake! ;)

  6. And probably an even greater chance of being bitten by the pet shark I’m going to buy you for Christmas… His name will be Shaun.

  7. My honest opinion is that you have to be one of the dumbest of the dumb to actually be killed by a snake, really 125k!!…apologies if anybody listening has a nearest and dearest.

    But here’s the thing, you either have to been subject to an Indy pit of snakes moment, or tread on one, or think they are really lots of fun to tease and taunt….again I’m back to the not the sharpest tool in the box moment.

    Lets have another look, they are on the ground…..no surprise attacks…..they have fair to middling speed……no surprise attacks…..they only really exist where, in general, we do not spend much of our time…..only an issue if you are there for the first time….then its a surprise.

    My advice, stand still or pick them up by the end with no teeth, apologies for all those of you where the end with no teeth is actually the most dangerous part……oh and by the way don’t get on a plane…thats not so good either apparently!

  8. Natural Selection……take a moment….sitting here in dear old blighty….you don’t know how good that sounds, its like fresh air!!

    Apologies by the way, wasn’t implying that any of those concerned jumped into darkened rooms with our snake friends or would do the standing or the picking up..lets face it who would? ….they would have to be Asshats (!!!)

    Although we have to be mindful of the perils and pitfalls provided by the caffeine!

  9. I only allow smart, cool people to post comments, so they’d never fall into such a natural selection trap.

    Hmmmm, Snakes On A Caffeine Binge – sounds like a sequel to me. I’ll start work on the script.

  10. I in fact did have a pet shark once. His name was Pinky (he had pink-tipped fins) and he was really fucking stupid. He swam in to the air bubbler thingy and got stuck and died. Talk about natural selection.

  11. I think we have come to a consensus that the snakes may remain, and continue to kill stupid people and multi-racial mouse families.

    Hottie – in some countries, that’s called a goldfish, and orange is close to pink, depending on how much you’ve had to drink… but I guess we can call it a shark.

    And there are no sharks called Pinky. They are all called Shaun, like all lobsters are called Larry. True story. You will find this out at Christmas.

  12. Shaun is a leprechaun name. Or the name of that comedic zombie movie that I never saw but would really like to see because I like zombie movies – though I don’t actually care for real zombies.
    And he was in fact a shark – not a goldfish. And sharks can be named lots of things.

  13. Just you wait until Christmas, you’ll see. The only other acceptable name for a shark is Bruce, but that’s more of a nickname.

    And you will love Shaun of The Dead – you should rent it and watch it after you see NBC tomorrow. I’m surprised you don’t care for real zombies – I’d pegged you as a zombie lover.

  14. Pinky was a Rainbow shark (also called a Ruby shark or a Red-finned shark). And if you look those up, you will see Pinky was a fitting name. And I think you need to add Jerry to your list of acceptable shark names.

  15. Pinky is a very appropriate name for a fish not in the shark family, I agree. And because you said it so nicely (which is a rarity), I’ll accept Jerry as a third acceptable shark name.

  16. I think we should absolutely be warring with snakes. Hey, it worked for St. Patrick. And of course, by “snakes,” I mean “Non-Catholics.” Fight them.

  17. Well… your friend anonymoushottie said you need to add “Jerry” to the list of potential names.
    While I’m not sure on sharks, I think that name is exceptionally fitting for a snake.

  18. I’m just surprised it took you so long to pick up on that one, Kim. You’re getting slow in your old age.

  19. Eddie,
    I thought that you might really enjoy this snake video.
    Also I wanted you to know that i find your dissertation on toothpaste fascinating. Do you know if there are any comparisons between whitening products…. that is an area that really interess me.

    Happy Blogging
    Little Miss Ortho

  20. Hahahaaaa. That is a funny video.

    I’m sure you can find some whitening product comparisons at http://www.anonymoushottieisadork.com or similar websites.

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