Scale Conversation

I’m dieting, which means I’ve developed a new relationship with our bathroom scales – this relationship has become rocky of late:

Eddie: Good morning scales.
Scales: Good morning, Eddie – did you sleep well?
Eddie: Yes I did, thanks for asking. And you? Do you sleep?
Scales: Well, we switch off, so I guess you could say that we do. You’re looking good this morning.
Eddie: Well, let’s hope so – I guess I’ll find out when I step on you, right?
Scales: Hahaha – I guess that’s true – come on then, hop on board.
Eddie: OK, here we go, fingers crossed . . .
Scales: You are 186.0 lbs this morning.
Eddie: I’m what? That can’t be right – how do I put on 3lbs in one day?
Scales: Hey, hey, don’t shoot the messenger!
Eddie: Um. You’re not actually the messenger – you are the thing that weighs me.
Scales: Yeah, I just like the expression.
Eddie: Let me try weighing myself again.
Scales: Why would you do that, it won’t be any differ… 184.6lbs
Eddie: What??? You’re telling me that I just lost a pound and a half in 30 seconds by doing nothing?
Scales: You coughed. Or maybe you were holding your breath?
Eddie: I didn’t, and why would that matter?
Scales: Morning air can be quite heavy.
Eddie: Stop it – why do you suck so badly?
Scales: Jump back on, one last time
Eddie: This better not change again
Scales: 185.2lbs – pretty close, huh?
Eddie: No. My weight shouldn’t change so much in the space of a minute – have you been making up my weight all along to make me feel good?
Scales: Noooo. It’s just, well, I’m good to within a few pounds, and then I just make a number up.
Eddie: You have one job in life, and that’s to weigh accurately, and you suck at it.
Scales: Charming – I also have these conversations with you, try to cheer up your morning. You don’t see the toaster doing that for you
Eddie: But at least the toaster can do what it’s supposed to do – toast bread. Have you heard of Amazon.com?
Scales: Um, yes – you have a bit of an addiction there don’t you – I know, I’ve been reading your blog.
Eddie: Yes I do, and it’s going to continue today – you’re being replaced, and I’m going for one with a body fat monitor.
Scales: Whatever – those things aren’t accurate… oh, right, we’re back to that accuracy thing
Eddie: Yep. Enjoy your LONG sleep.

~ by eddie on January 25, 2008.